Over the Edge
by ThePinkyPrincess
Summary: Over the edge, over the line, the nothing and the everything. Warning: depressing and suicidal themes!
1. on the edge

I wrote this depressing fanfic because i am feeling a bit blue. It's depressing this fanfic! You have been warned! As soon I'll update "TO During the big fight"

_What's the matter?_

This is the question that my mind ask to me. Now, at 00:23.

And it's the favourite question from my friends too. Every time they see me, they ask me this. Even if they already know the answer.

"I am depressed. That's all"

Depressed? You are the funny Chandler. You are the joker. The one whose role is telling jokes to be more comfortable with others, the one who loves being funny, the one who loves to makes the others people laughs.

The one who loves the positive side of life. Who loves laughs and smiles.

_I am not that anymore._

And my friends know that too.

00:24. The cold breeze makes me shiver. It' s the time. The world is telling me that it's _my_time. As I look around myself I can see that there's life. All around life.

The world will go on without me. This makes me so sad. I am so useless… but, on the other hand, I am so relieved. I can't damage anyone.

The ocean is so damn immense and incredible. Wait for me, I am coming.

Behind me there's the city I've so much loved. Its lights are hugging me for the last goodbye. The city, the world, everything is hugging me.

Everything, but the thing I need more than the oxygen. She's not here with me. She's not imploring me not do this.

She's away, she's in another house, she's with another person, she's… the person that my life depended by.

My feet are walking me toward the edge of the field.

Over it, nothing.

Over it, everything.

I sit down on the edge. I pull out the box of red Marlboro, the lighter, some photos, my documents and I little knife.

I lit up the cigarette, and throw the box down, to the nothing. And I smoke, the cigarette fading away, as I inhale the nicotine.

I close my eyes as the wind hugs me again. And I see her.

She, my world, my heaven, my cocaine, my hell, my pain, happiness, my orgasm, my heart, my knife, my killer, my life….

And her eyes so real on the photo. Her smile, so warm. I smile back at the photo and for a second I hear her voice.

"_I know!"_

And then, my friends. Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey. They are my family. They are my sisters, my brothers, my parents, my angels.

They love me too much. And I love them too much too.

Ross says to me that I am strong

Rachel says that I can do it

Phoebe says that I will overcome the pain and smile

Joey says that she is a whore.

And they all say that without me they can't live. She said that too in the past. But, they have their lives and for me there's no more space. I am just a friend. I used to be a part of the family.

I am not that anymore.

It's nobody's fault, it's only fate, it's life. All I can say. We just lost touch, and they went on with their life, maybe thinking about me, but I was no on their mind so much.

And that's it. I understood that I spent my life trying to make them happy. Trying to make her happy. Trying to make them smile. Trying to help them with their problems.

Joey, with all his problems and immaturity. Ross with all the Rachel story. Rachel with all her crisis for her boyfriend. Phoebe, with her weird things.

And Monica. Monica, with her sweet things, her weakness, her love, her pain. Monica, with her everything.

…

_But now, I want to do something for myself. _

I spend all my days crying. I spend all my days thinking about Monica, what our future would be if he didn't leave me for her ex.

In my days I breathe only because it's just a use. I don't live anymore, I am lived. I am lived by days, by the world, and by the pain.

I can't even smile anymore.

And now I am going to find my pace. I haven't had it for months. I couldn't have it without her by my side.

My last cigarette is over. I throw it away and take the lighters. I burn my documents and photos.

As the flames ate her smile, her blue eyes, the last material thing I have of her, I see the smoke burning her, and I feel burning myself.

But I am not scared. Of burning, of dying.

Because I am _already_dead. I died the day of the days, when her painful words left her lips. She didn't kill me. I killed myself.

I burnt the documents for something cruel. I just want to see if tomorrow, or in years, my friends and Monica will realize I am not in this world anymore. My mother already knows this, because I left a letter for her.

_Tell me, Monica, will you feel I am gone? Will you miss me? Will you cry for me? Will you.. look up the sky and whisper my name?_

The last thing now, before going to nowhere. I take the knife in my hand. It's just I am curious. I feel so dead.

I cut my wrist.

I am almost surprise to see blood. I thought I didn't have it. In the last month I felt so empty, I didn't think I had some blood.

But I am happy after all. I was alive, I am still alive, and I'll be alive in the sky. Heaven or hell. Light or darkness. I don't care. All I want is to stop this.

00:32

From the sky I felt I caress. From the city I hear the goodbyes.

With this I am ending my pain. I am sorry, friends for not being so strong. I am just an human and now I am thinking about my own sanity.

I stand up.

Here we go.

… _And he lift his arms, letting himself falling. Without tears and screams._

_Because sometimes living is more hurting than dying. Because you don't live for yourself anymore, but only for the other people, the one who tell__s you not to let go of life. But life isn't it anymore, how can you call it life, when breathing is something you do only for use? Nom it's not life. Even if it's more easy deny it…_

07:32

"Honey, wake up" she whispered.

His eyes opened slowly. He smiled in her face, in her blue eyes. "It's time to wake up, sleepyhead"

"Mmmh.. I don't want to…" he murmured against her shoulder. He kissed her on the lips then kissed her neck.

"Richard…! We have to get up" she giggled. He sighed, smiled and they both got up from the bed.

She began making breakfast, and he turned up the tv.

"Honey, Rachel and Ross asked me if we can keep Emma for a while, today" she said, taking the milk from the counter.

"Ok. No problem" he said, and then stopped the zapping on the news. "Mon, honey, what about taking Emma for a stroll around? I think she would like to see the sea."

"_This morning, a man was found lifeless on the beach. The investigators are supposing that the man fell from the one of the streets on the ocean."_

Richard went to his Monica and kissed her. "I can't wait for a baby, honey"

Monica closed her eyes and smiled "Me too"

13:48

Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, Mike and Joey were everyone at Monica and Richard's. Joey was obliged by Ross and Rachel, because after she did to Chandler, he didn't want to see her anymore.

But for once, they wanted to be all together.

Ross was talking to Richard.

Rachel was talking to Monica and Phoebe.

Joey was playing with Emma and Mike.

Everything was calm, apparently.

14:12

"Hello?" Richard answered the phone.

"Hello? Is this Monica's Geller house?"

"It's Monica and Richard Burke."

Joey thrown a bad glance to Richard. Monica went to him.

"I am looking for Monica, I am Nora Bing, Chandler's Bing mother" Richard could feel the heart beating faster. Nora Bing? He didn't know that she was Chandler's mother. And he was feeling a bit jealous too.

"Monica, it's for you. It's Nora Bing" Richard headed the phone to Monica.

At that name, everyone froze in the apartment. Monica could feel her heart explode. Nora? What did she want?

Before she had change to take the phone, Rachel took it in her hands, tears running down her cheeks. Monica stared at her.

"I am Rachel Green. Chandler's friend. Monica… is busy" she lied, trying to keep a sob.

"Rachel, hi. I called to let you know something. I am asking you if you can tell this to his others friends too"

"Y-yes. We haven't heard about Chandler for a while. Is he ok?"

"Sweetie…" she began, taking a deep breathe. "Chandler was found this morning on the beach lifeless. He committed suicide last night, around midnight."

Rachel let the phone slip from her hands. And fall on the floor. Everyone looked at her. she took it on her hands again.

"I…" she began, but realized that words couldn't escape from her lips. A sob took over her. "I am so sorry"

"Rachel, sweetie, I know. I am sorry I can't be on the telephone anymore because the police is coming here. Tell Monica that it's not her fault. Tell her that he has been depressed for a while. The funeral will be next Monday. I'll call you again for the hour. Bye, sweetie."

"Ok… bye, Nora " she said and put the phone down.

Everyone looked at her. Rachel could see that Monica was scared. She took a deep breathe.

"She told me that Monica doesn't have to feel guilty. Guys, he killed himself last night. He jumped in the ocean. That's all"

Everyone looked at each other. Joey was the first to burst in tears. Then Rachel broke down, Ross, Phoebe, Mike. Richard looked at Monica, who was still shocked.

"Mon?"

"i…" She paused then glanced down, the world stopped. Why, when Chandler died the world didn't stop to exist?

"God…" it was the last word she said before collapsing on the floor crying. Desperately. Histerically.

Richard tried to hug her, but she pushed him away.

"I made the biggest mistake…"

_And now the others are crying. Not him. Not anymore_

The last line is the part of a poem that I read on "Urlo contro il vento" Blog. I don't own it! It belongs to "Roberta"


	2. note

This is not a chapter!

I just wanted to reply to some reviews, one by "mondlerfan4eva" and "Six of one".

I am okay, it's just last night I was a bit depressed! No a big deal, I am just sad 'cause school isn't going well and my boyfriend left me 3 days ago. Nothing serious! i just wanted write something to feel better, trying to make all this sadness go away. It's nothing, I am ok, I just have few problems.

Thank you very much, I really appreciated it! I am ok, thank you very much!

Another thing. I forgot to write that the lines of that little poem don't belong to me, but to Roberta, (The owner of the blog "trameeme"). This poem gave me the idea of this story, and I translated it from Italian, but I couldn't keep the deep meaning of the poem very well.

Thank you all . I'll be back with "TO during the big fight" as soon as I'll be better! Love you all


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